Things I Think About #008

Tell me if this sounds familiar. Sometimes you disagree, and then you disagree some more. And then you disagree some more until it feels as though you've always been here in this stupid argument, which began eons ago and will continue until the world finally implodes—or result in never speaking ever again.

Whichever comes first.

Or maybe it’s not really arguing? Perhaps it’s putting another's needs and wants above your own; a partner, best friend, lover, sibling, whatever it might be - without even giving it a second thought. Perhaps it’s making assumptions, or just plain refusing to accept when someone else might be right. Or being unable to see when you might be. 

Perhaps it's just that everything sucks and you have no idea how it even got like this.

This, without question, is a toxic relationship, and I can bet the farm that almost every single one of us has found ourselves in one of these at least once. Abuse involves power and control, and if you think you’re experiencing it, then you might be in a negative relationship loop.

People in any kind of prolonged relationship tend to fight about the same things over and over again, and if the issue isn't resolved they push it to the back of the queue and try to pretend that everything will somehow and mysteriously work itself out.

And let's be honest, it usually doesn't.

A lot of our programming relating to how to navigate our relationships with others starts in our families... What do we see? How are needs communicated? How is love expressed?

If early on in your life you had the misfortune of experiencing someone who was manipulative and you learned to doubt them, it’s extremely likely that you’ll doubt others too. Our initial presets for how we connect with each other leads to the development of coping mechanisms, adaptive or maladaptive, that we use in an attempt to avoid any more negative experiences.

If someone is fixated on the idea that they have done no wrong to the people in their lives, it's highly unlikely that they'll do anything to work towards a better relationship. We need accountability.

So my answer is this - it is entirely going to be about the choices and motivations of the individual who has been toxic or abusive. We can't make them change, and usually I think it's best not to make decisions based on the hope that they will.

I think it's better to make decisions based on what we can cope with, what we want, and if we value the relationship and wish for it to carry on. If you think someone, anyone, even your family member's behavior is completely off and you wouldn't tolerate it from a friend, acquaintance, or someone you barely know, then don't.

Center your own wellbeing, autonomy, and sanity always and as much as you possibly can.

I am a huge advocate of cutting people out of your life who are mostly damaging to you or who you're just not interested in maintaining a relationship with.

I am also a firm believer that not everyone deserves, or can earn, a relationship with someone else, and that it's okay that some acts of betrayal or deception can mean that they never get a chance to.