The Knack of Letting Go

Letting go is unquestionably a process. Whether it is easy or not, it is something that is relative, and really does vary from person to person. In this day and age, the process of letting go, is hugely associated to situations that concern intimate or partner relationships. 

Although this is quite common, this process does vary from reasons owing to loss/grief, status, occupation, life choices, bad habits and friendships, among others. Letting go is the solution that follows heartache or anything grave enough to have caused us emotional pain.  So what is letting go? It is the process of releasing yourself from obsessive behaviours, unhelpful thoughts and unhappy feelings. This process is desired to make things better for you, make you feel less burdened or more appreciative of your current reality. A process that solicits you don’t feel the emotional pain anymore, or at the least, feel it much less.

Knowing when to let go is not always very obvious to us. By standard, one can think of ‘letting go’ after things like divorce, a break up, abuse, dismissal at a job, a rejected application, some form of separation from a friend, arguments or death of a loved one. Whatever the case, the biggest red flag should be that that thing or person definitely causes emotional pain to you.  Signs you may need to Let go (regardless of the reality):

o You feel unappreciated

o You develop trouble sleeping (insomnia)

o You lose trust

o Constant feelings of frustration or anger o Making excuses to justify wrong

o You misplace a sense of the happiness that existed

o You make all the sacrifices

o Become less expressive

o Lose touch of reality because it is too much to bea

o Inconsistency

o You are sad more than you are at balance 

o Cry a lot

o Develop a constant need to mask your true feelings

o Always bring up the issue eliciting the emotional pain

The above are among the many signs that warrant us to let go of a thing, person or situation. As can be seen, these signs are diverse because the process of letting go is caused by an array of reasons.

 Additionally, letting go should also be understood from the concept of attachment styles. Attachment styles are typically formed in childhood. A person's attachment style is their specific way of relating to others in relationships. A perceived response to our relationships with our earliest caregivers. There are four types of attachment styles, namely; secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Specific to the idea of letting go, are insecure attachment styles such as anxious and fearful avoidant.

Anxiously attached people tend to be very insecure about their relationships, often worrying that people will leave them and thus crave validation. You can imagine that a person with this attachment style would have a very hard time letting go of a person or situation that once gave them validation. Validation here could be compliments, money, social status or a persona.

Validation poses as a supplement that one would have to seek from the self, rather than an external influence.  On the other hand, a fearful avoidant attachment style, is a blend of an anxious and avoidant attachment style. People with fearful-avoidant attachment both desperately desire affection and want to avoid it by all means.

You can imagine the difficulty in letting go because you want the best of both worlds. It is vital that one with this style weighs pros and cons, and ultimately chooses to let go because it will ease off this confusion, but also allow independence. Which ultimately results in freedom. 

How can we then let go? The key ingredient to letting go begins with acceptance. Allow the self to let the negative emotions flow. Naturally, our difficulty to let go stems from an adjustment stage called bargaining. If we look back at the signs to let go, among them are making excuses, and losing touch of reality. Bargaining is a belief that the loss is wrong, premature, unjustified and therefore, must be made right. It is human to want to hold on to those things, people, places, and circumstances that made us happy and satisfied, because we never wanted to lose them in the first place, we finally found what we were looking for, or they just made sense!

However, it is important to know that adjustment is such a huge part of living a happy life. For this reason, letting go means you accept that you can be willing to allow life to carry you to a new place, make new connections, do new things and learn a new routine. It can be understood that whatever we need to lose is hard because life with it/them was so habitual. But holding on means lengthening the pain and the possible chance of achieving fulfillment, self-love and freedom! Furthermore, to let go, you may need to fill the existing gap. The phrase ‘find a hobby’ isn’t always something people say out of the blue. It has substance.

Picking a new healthy interest, distraction, or hobby, does wonders for the parts of your brain (thoughts),that are so fixated on the cause of the pain. If it is difficult, to do the former, why not get a pet? Being responsible for a pet can keep you so busy, but also be a form of therapy owing to how that pet can make you feel. Your love and care will otherwise pour into a vessel (your pet), that will turn out worth the sacrifice.  In addition, one should accept that they may never get an apology from the distressing situation/person. Also, engage in self-care, develop positive talk that counters negative thoughts or feelings, surround yourself with people who fill your cup and attempt to practice some mindfulness.

Moreover, creating space between you and the situation/person you need to let go of, allows the self to protect from triggers, counter actions and confusing feelings. Give yourself room and permission to forgive the circumstance for your own peace.  One final tip to let go, involves talking about it. This may be with trusted individuals within your circle(s), or a professional that can support you through this process. Talking about it allows you to acknowledge the reality, and explore areas of either building trust, developing coping strategies and reinventing yourself.  Above all however, BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF!