Human Interactions

Human Interactions - A story by Rosie

As a omnivert with social anxiety I spend my days living in a paradoxical reality where I try my hardest not to make actual social interactions while wanting to so badly. I would descibe myself as a social chameleon and my colour changes to adapt to the “energy" required or emitted, if you will, in any situation. The trouble I've had dealing with this personality trait has been staying authentically me while adapting to so many different situational changes. For a long time I built up high and thick walls just to keep from having to socialise but that didn't solve the problem, it just made it worse. My self imposed isolation negatively affected my relationships which in turn negatively affected my whole life. This really made me wonder about relationships and why my life depended on them so much.

A relationship is simply defined as the way people or things are connected. We have family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, relationships with pets or employers or even our bank. The quality of our lives is dependant on the nature and quality of our relationships and that reality is a hellish nightmare for anyone that has social anxiety or is otherwise introverted. Successful people have a bedrock of strong networks or connections, platforms like facebook, linkedin and even tinder have thrived off peoples need for relationships. The real mind boggler for me is just how the most important relationship, the one keeping the bedrock of connections steady, is the relationship we have with ourselves.

I've done everything in my power to navigate the relationships around me. Because of my “adaptable" nature I find myself getting lost in character and getting drained and feeling so out of touch with myself. I felt the only way to get through this and protect my own energy would be to cut people off completely. This didnt help at all, it left me out of touch with reality and with no networks or connections, which is business suicide. So I went back to the metaphoric drawing board to figure out what i needed to do to stay sane and and build healthy relationships. All my research came to one conclusion which is that beneath the bedrock of connections is the relationship i have with myself. Everything else outside me is actually dependant on whats inside me. It was a weird epiphany for me because I felt that as a loner, I spent enough time with myself to have a great relationship with myself, boy was I wrong.

A deeper dive into my research revealed that it is very possible to spent time with myelf as a familiar stranger like a coworker or neighbour. I explored my interests and spent time distracted by them. I drowned out my thoughts in video games, music or movies enough to pass the time, not really hearing myself or feeling myself so to speak. I didnt actually deal with what was affecting my relationships, I didnt check the language speak with myself or the energy I generate or my negative thoughts, social platforms create algorithms that would give an illusion of having connections because of how easy it is to express whats on your mind to like-minded strangers that don't require any accountiblity or change. So instead of being present and aware of myself i was distracted and detached from myself and so when in social situations it was easy to get overhelmed by my own personality traits and those of others.

Subsequently i went on a journey actually getting to know myself forming a connection with myself, getting to know my personality type, attachment style, trauma responses and everything thay makes me, me. I can say the self awareness has helped me stay grounded being myself no matter how much i need to adapt and adjust. The enrgy from my core, moved up to my bedrock of connections because people actual feel more comfortable around you when you're comfortable with yourself, you somehow becoe more attractive and trustworthy and that created a better life for me. So whilet relationship are really important its the relationship with yourself that really matters.